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E-Quipped to.....Communicate With Courage
Communicating assertively is not a skill reserved for the very few – anyone can do it - but it does take time and practice if it is not how you are used to communicating. Fortunately, it is a technique you can practice and master at home in your own time.
What is My “Default” Communication Style?
There are five communication styles, and while we may use different styles in different situations, most will fall back on one particular style. Recognising this default style is the first step towards learning how to communicate more assertively. The five styles are:
Aggressive:
This style is all about winning. Characteristics include:
- Frightening, threatening, loud, hostile, demanding, abrasive, explosive and unpredictable.
- Willing to achieve goals at expense of others
People on the receiving end feel:
- Defensive, aggressive , uncooperative, resentful, humiliated.
- A loss of respect for the person
Passive-aggressive:
People who behave in this manner usually feel powerless and resentful, and express their feelings by subtly undermining the object (real or imagined) of their resentments. Characteristics include:
- Indirectly aggressive
- Sarcastic, devious, sulky, patronising
- Two-faced
People on the receiving end feel:
Confused, angry, hurt, resentful
Submissive:
This style is about pleasing other people and avoiding conflict. Characteristics include:
- Apologetic
- Avoiding any confrontation and always yielding to someone else's preferences
- Refusing compliments
People on the receiving end feel:
- Exasperated, frustrated, guilty
- They can take advantage of you.
Manipulative:
Manipulative communicators are skilled at influencing others to their own advantage. Characteristics include:
- Controlling others in an insidious way
- Asking indirectly for needs to be met
- Making others feel obliged or sorry for them
People on the receiving end feel:
Guilty, frustrated, angry, irritated or annoyed
The last style, and the one resulting in the most effective communication, is the
Assertive:
This is the healthiest style – neither too aggressive nor too passive. Characteristics include:
- Achieving goals without hurting others
- Making your own choices and taking responsibility for them
- Asking directly for needs to be met, while accepting the possibility of rejection
- Accepting compliments
People on the receiving end feel:
- They can take the person at their word and know where they stand
- The person can look after themselves, cope with justified criticism and accept compliments
- Respect for the person
How Does This Benefit Me?
A good understanding of the five basic styles of communication will help you react effectively when confronted with a difficult person. Once you understand your own communication style, you can identify areas which can be improved on if you want to start communicating in a more assertive manner.
Remember: the success of the communication is the responsibility of the communicator.
(A full and detailed article on these communication styles, and how you can learn to communicate more effectively, can be found on my website, www.clairenewton.co.za)
What's next?
Watch out for my next newsletter where you will be E-Quipped to Phone With Finesse.
Tip! Save these newsletters and accumulate the series on Build Better Relationships
Image by Danielle Scott
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