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E-Quipped to...Understand Attention Seeking Behaviour

Our need for attention is vital to our survival!

I hope that statement has got your attention! It’s a powerful one and it’s true. According to the theory of Transactional Analysis (TA), one major aspect that drives us is our need for recognition. Most of the time we don’t even think about it, but when we greet someone, when a stranger smiles at us or when someone moves slightly so that we can (or perhaps cannot) pass by, it means we’re being recognized. According to Eric Berne, founder of TA, a lot of what we do is in order to seek recognition from others.

The Importance of Recognition

Eric Berne referred to this behaviour (when one person recognizes another person) as strokes. He introduced the idea of strokes into TA based upon the work of Rene Spitz, a researcher who did pioneering work in the area of child development. Spitz observed that infants deprived of cuddling, touching and handling (in other words, not receiving any physical strokes) were more likely to experience emotional and physical difficulties.

Berne took Spitz’s observations of these infants and developed theories about the need of adults for strokes. Berne postulated that adults do need physical contact just like infants, but have learned to substitute other types of recognition for physical stimulation. So while an infant needs cuddling, an adult craves a smile, a wink, a hand gesture, or some other form of recognition.

Anything is Better Than Nothing

Getting some sort of recognition is more appealing than being ignored and feeling as if we are not being seen at all, and so an individual who doesn’t receive enough positive strokes will develop behaviours that will at least attract negative strokes. In other words, anything is better than nothing!

This explains why some children and adults behave ‘badly’ – they are seeking the attention they are not receiving. Considering how the roots of need for attention start growing from the moment of birth (or, according to some theories, from even earlier on) when the infant’s survival depends on his existence being acknowledged, it’s easy to understand why our stroke-hunger is such a powerful driving force.

Ignoring the ‘bad’ behaviour or engaging in destructive ‘games’ is counter-productive. Rather we need to understand how people give and receive both positive and negative strokes, and change the unhealthy patterns of stroking. The Stroking Profile helps us do this.

The Stroking Profile

When it comes to giving and receiving strokes most of us use a series of repetitive, unconscious patterns – never thinking about what we are doing. Since strokes are fundamentally involved in everything we do, it can be of great help to become aware of what is known as our ‘stroking profile’. 

The stroking profile (which takes the form of a table to be completed and makes us think about how we give and receive strokes) helps to measure how a person gives and receives strokes in four categories:

• Giving strokes is ok
• Saying no is ok
• Taking strokes is ok
• Asking for strokes is ok

What’s Your Stroking Profile?

To complete your Stroking Profile read the article and download the table:  Transactional Analysis – Part II (The Games We Play)

What do YOU Think?

Share your wisdom with others… How can we seek positive strokes in a healthy way?

Leave your comments here

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You may have been forwarded this email by a friend. In that case, allow me to introduce myself. I am a psychologist, speaker, trainer, coach and hat lover based in Durban, South Africa.

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