Hi Visitor

E-Quipped to... Change Your Crazy Christmas!

This newsletter refers to 'Transactional Analysis – Part I (The Masks We Wear)' and 'Transactional Analysis – Part III (The Scripts We Follow)', comprehensive articles found on my website.

It’s Christmas time….

Hollywood movies portray this time of year as a happy, family time. In the typical movie, the first scene opens with all the family members descending on the long established family home. The next few scenes continue with all the Christmas traditions – the decorated Christmas tree aglow with twinkling lights, the sharing and opening of gifts, the preparation and eating of the traditional Christmas meal. The final scene is one of family togetherness, and peace and goodwill.

You’ve seen this movie script many times. But do you experience it? Chances are you don’t.

In my work as a therapist, I get to see too many people whose experience of Christmas is nothing like that of the movies. Their Christmas opens with the same scene – the family members arrive at the family home, but with each one harbouring the hope and expectation that this year it will be different. There is the same decorated Christmas tree and the gifts, but this is rapidly followed by tension and bickering, then full blown arguments as the family members interact with one another. Finally there is disappointment and tears – the same as last year!

What’s going on?

The TA Explanation

According to the theory of Transactional Analysis (TA), life can be compared to a theatre, or film, where we wear various masks depending on the circumstances, but where we always follow a well-established script.

Our masks allow us to alternately play one of three characters - the three sides or 'ego-states' to our personality - Parent (values), Adult (rationality) or Child (emotions & creativity).

For more about ego states read: Transactional Analysis – Part I (The Masks We Wear)

At any one time, an individual will be transacting from one of these ego states. Communication works well, or is successful, when the activated ego states are complementary or sympathetic to each other. For example, to the question: "Have you seen my keys?" (Adult) the answer would be "Yes, they are on the table." (Adult). But communication is unsuccessful when the ego states oppose each other and the transaction is ‘crossed’. So, to the question: "Have you seen my keys?" (Adult), the other person answers "Oh no, not again! You always lose everything, you're just like a child!" (Critical Parent). Such an exchange can degenerate very quickly.

This is what happens at the unhappy family Christmas. Each member of the family is following his or her own life script and so puts on the same particular mask to transact with another particular family member as they always have. When the ego states are at different levels (crossed transactions) communication problems occur and the destructive patterns of the past repeat themselves, because when we put on a particular mask we behave in the same way as we always have and evoke the same response we have always got.

For example, if someone acts as an Adaptive Child, they will most likely evoke the Controlling Parent in the other person and if someone is the Controlling Parent it evokes the other person either into an Adaptive ‘good’ Child state where they may conform to the demands or into an Adaptive 'naughty’ Child where they rebel. (They may also take opposing Parent or Adult states).

For more about ego states read: Transactional Analysis – Part I (The Masks We Wear)

For more about life scripts read: Transactional Analysis – Part III (The Scripts We Follow)

How to Stop the Destructive Dynamic

By improving the quality and effectiveness of our communication we can avoid being prisoners of a particular type of reaction, constantly replaying the same scene and the same role in the film.

Get to know yourself better and understand your communication ‘transactions’ by analysing your behaviour, words and feelings (a therapist can help you do this), so that you can stop falling into the trap of reproducing the same errors in your relationships - be that socially, at work or with the family at Christmas.

Next year Christmas can be different!

For more information read:

Transactional Analysis – Part I (The Masks We Wear)

Transactional Analysis Part II (The Games We Play)

Transactional Analysis – Part III (The Scripts We Follow)

What do YOU Think?

Share your wisdom with others… What do YOU do to ensure peace and harmony at family gatherings?

Leave your comments here

About These Newsletters

You may have been forwarded this email by a friend. In that case, allow me to introduce myself. I am a psychologist, speaker, trainer, coach and hat lover based in Durban, South Africa.

My goal is to inspire you to make the changes necessary to live the life of your dreams! I believe that by developing your YOU-Q - the term I have created to describe your unique intelligence, creativity and wisdom - you can find your Inner winner and live a Be-YOU-tiful life right now.

On my website you'll find more ideas to get you thinking about life, love, work and other important STUFF.

Contact me for more information or visit the website:

+27 82 491 1136
This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
www.clairenewton.co.za

Join the conversation

© 2013 Claire Newton | anti-spam statement | e-Marketing support by